Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Fat and heartbroken....


I am genuinely upset. Genuinely heart broken. I had a really tough day today with my health issues. The boyf and I went on a late night pokemon hunt to cheer me up. It worked. We came back in, he went to bed, I sat down on the couch and flicked through twitter. I came across the hashtag #nofattiesallowed. My heart sank. A lump in my throat.

I told myself to calm down and read what it was about before jumping to conclusions. Turns out there was a programme on TV called No Fatties Allowed and of course people were talking about it. Or tweeting rather. It featured overweight men and women talking about their real life experiences. About how they get abused on the street for their size on a daily basis. Heart broken. It also featured thin people who were openly discussing their hatred for fat people including comments about how it should be made harder to find clothes in bigger sizes (newsflash it's already hard enough!) And other ignorant comments of that nature. Heartbroken. 

As I sit here writing this, I am overweight. Now in my case I am overweight because of a health issue that causes me to gain weight even when I'm living off nothing but lettuce. It also makes it super hard to lose weight. And until this year I have been the "perfect" weight for my age and height, for my entire life. 

Being overweight all of a sudden has been a shock to my system in every sense. I have and still am struggling with it. Alot. I'm not used to my new body. I'm not happy with my new body. I find it hard to like my new body. I personally couldn't care less what anyone else looks like. I never have cared. My whole life I have loved people of all different shapes and sizes and weights. It means nothing to me and never has. So I really struggle to understand why #nofattiesallowed was filled with hundreds and thousands of angry people full of hate for fat people. Like, how does it affect your life if anyone else is fat?! Also, when will people learn that if someone hates themselves they won't take care of themselves so abusing fat people and saying it's because you care about their health and want to encourage their weight loss is just plain stupid. It's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. And it doesn't work! 

Why are so many people so threatened by fat people who are happy or who love themselves?! I personally think it's down to their deep routed issues with their own looks/weight/selves. Because if Sally down the street spent months starving herself and working out 4 hours a day to get to the size 0 she is today (and was miserable the entire time) how dare you be fat and happy!!!! That then makes all her "hard work" seem pointless and trivial. It irritates her because all of the time wasted hating herself and being miserable seems to suddenly make far less sense. I duno. Maybe I'm wrong with that one but that's just my theory. 

If a person is overweight or obese or chubby or chunky or any other size and they are happy that way. Let them be. Be happy for them. I wish everyone could be at peace with themselves. The world would be a much better place if everyone loved themselves and stopped spreading hate to others over their weight. 

Don't claim to care about someone's health whilst insulting them. Don't say you're so angry because it does affect you when someone is fat because they take up time and resources in the NHS. That's all bullshit. It's bullshit because I don't see the same people lecturing people who smoke. People choose to smoke. They know it's unhealthy. It could have health implications. When it does they will then take up time and resources from the NHS. But you aren't lecturing them and you aren't angry at their existence. 

And when did we stop considering mental health a priority?! Because as far as I'm concerned if someone is super thin and suicidal but then gains weight in recovery and becomes overweight but is happy again, living life again, contributing to society again. That's a good thing. It's a GREAT thing! Sometimes people need to learn to accept and love themselves as they are, right now, in all their overweight or obese glory in order to then do what's necessary to take better care of themselves and lose the weight. So let's encourage that. Let's encourage radical self love and acceptance. Let's encourage the idea that mental health is just as important as physical health. 

Back to me. Of course, for me, my weight gain isn't down to what I'm eating or lack of exercise. It's down to a serious health issue. One that I currently cannot stop or slow down or treat because the NHS takes a while to get these things sorted rn for a variety of reasons. However, here I would like to make the point that even if I was overweight due to over eating and no exercise it is still my body and therefore my decision and I get to be whatever weight I want and be happy and be comfortable in my own skin. None of your business. But anyways, that's where I'm at right now. Stuck being overweight for the time being until my next hospital visit where I get the right treatment. So here's the thing....

Whilst I am waiting, why should I have to be miserable?! Why should I have to change the way I dress and change the way I act?! Why am I suddenly less deserving of living a happy life because of my weight change?! The answer is....I AM NOT! To anyone reading this who feels the same way as all of those using the #nofattiesallowed to abuse fat people- please give me answers to those questions. Tell me why I don't deserve to love myself. Tell me why I should have to read hundreds of tweets calling me lazy, disgusting, hideous and ugly. Tell me why I should see thousands of people tweeting that I should pay more to use public transport- as an incentive to get me to lose weight. Tell me why you think buying nice clothes to fit my new body should be made harder. Tell me why you want me to be shamed so publicly and so horrendously. Why do I deserve all of that when I am a hardworking, kind, caring, thoughtful, intelligent human being who does her best to help others, give to charities, raise awareness of important issues. Why should GOOD people be made to feel like they are undeserving of life just because of a number on a scale?! 

Tell me this. If I was thin but killed your Mother tomorrow would you forgive me because I am thin?! If I was thin but was also a racist, homophobic thug would you like me still just because I am thin?! Here are today's lessons summed up for everyone-

- Size does NOT matter. Being a good person does. 

- Plus sized models are not encouraging obesity just by being themselves. They are promoting self love. There is a difference. Self love is important. So if self acceptance.

- Some people want to lose weight. Others do not. That is okay. You should not feel entitled to abuse anyone because of their size or desire to change that size. 

- If you truly care about fat people and their health send them some love. Be kind to them. Encourage them to love and accept themselves. DO NOT abuse them or belittle or shame them. It does nothing but make you a terrible person.

Tonight my self esteem took a monumental battering. I read those tweets and felt utterly humiliated. Thousands of people think I am disgusting. They think I am unworthy, useless, hideous and gross. If you were one of those people, was that your intention? To make me feel so low when I already have enough going on with my health problems? Even if it wasn't your intention I am here to tell you that it made me feel that way. It didnt make me want to lose weight. It didnt encourage or inspire me. It didn't change my mind about anything. So in future, stop and think before you tweet. Stop and think before you shout abuse at a fat person on the street. Imagine if a loved one of yours went through something tomorrow that made them overweight, would you want them abused on the street or online? No you would not. So think of it that way. Think of me. Think of anything else other than those nasty, hateful thoughts towards fat people because guess what?! That's exactly what they are! People! 

Peace & Love xxx

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