IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ ME!
So today's post is a wordy one, sorry if those are not your cup'o'tea! But I really felt I needed to get a few things off of my chest and I don't really know where to start so we'll just start with this hilarious screenshot of a video I recently shot...
Here's the thing. I have been in hiding. Online and IRL. As you will be well aware, if you follow my blog, I haven't posted an OOTD post in a very long time...not even this year I don't think. And in the real world I haven't seen any of my friends (apart from 1- my bestie Robyn) in a really long time either. Like some of them months and some it's been over a year and I feel awful about it all but there are a few reasons why.
Long story short I am very unwell. I have been having a ton of health complaints for about 6 months now. Actually I've had a ton of health complaints my whole life really but none of it ever seemed serious until now. The reason I started with that LOL-worthy pic of me is because it is a screenshot from a video explaining all of this. Maybe I explain it better in the video I duno but I just wanted to include all of my followers and I know some prefer to read rather than watch so here I am. This is all a bit muddled up and rambly and I'm sorry for that but it's a tough thing to talk about.
I've been in hiding because of my weight. I have put on alot of weight in the last 6 months and I don't feel good about it. At first I thought it was because I was being less active because of the health problems and the pain I've had. Then I thought it was because I've been very stressed after having a few traumatic events happen last year. But now I know that it's none of that. Which is both relieving and frustrating. It turns out my weight gain is very worrying. My doctors have been really confused by it and for the last 5 months I have been working with 3 different doctors and a professional dietician to see if I can lose weight like a "normal person" should or would. I didn't. I still haven't.
I have been working my arse off (not literally, sadly) to lose weight with the dieticians help. Sticking to their food plans- which we have changed a million times to see if any of it works- it doesn't. I have been back at the gym or swimming 4-5 times a week again to see if that helps- it doesn't. Fact is, I am gaining weight. Not a small amount like a pound a week. I am being weighed weekly and it is going up a frightful amount every time. It doesn't matter what I eat or what I do it keeps climbing. It is SO upsetting.
The weight gain was the final straw for my doctors and my GP went through all of my medical history and has put all of my health problems together and has a possible answer. Now I'm sorry to be so irritatingly vague but I will not go into too much detail before I know for sure what I have but my doctor thinks I have a condition/disease that is very rare and can be life threatening. I tick all of the boxes. Every weird thing I have ever had wrong with me is on the symptom list for this awful illness. Suddenly, my weight seems so trivial.
I have an appointment in June to hopefully get properly diagnosed but until then I will continue to have pain, to have all my other issues and probably to keep gaining weight. Until I know if I definitely have it, there is not much I can do. I am continuing to be the healthiest I have been in years...maybe ever...but it is hard and I know I have a long road ahead of me. As soon as I have been diagnosed (or not) I will make a post about it because I want to help others who have this awful disease. I am just conscious right now of not jinxing anything but also not giving out any misinformation before I know for sure what's wrong.
I'm terrified. My first load of blood tests came back "abnormal" which is just another finger pointing to the fact that I may have this life threatening disease. Now, obviously this isn't new information to me but it will be for most of those reading as I have only told a few people. Some of my family still don't know. If you have missed seeing my outfit photos or my youtube videos I am sorry. If you are my friend in real life and have missed seeing me I am so sorry but hopefully this will make it all make sense. The symptoms I have been experiencing are absolutely dreadful. Exhausting, painful, confusing and upsetting. Obviously, teamed together with my embarrassment over my weight gain it has all meant I've not really been up for socializing or being seen. Yes I still post selfies but they're taken to boost my confidence and I know how to take a decent photo of my face. It all sucks basically. Life recently has sucked.
I am trying something new though. As my diagnosis creeps closer it has become more and more apparent to me how short life really is. Happiness is SO important and I deserve it no less just because I am heavier now. I am worthy of happiness! One of the things that has bought me so much happiness over the last few years is this blog and my youtube channel. I love it! I love ranting, sharing, connecting with you guys, helping others out and I love fashion! I love clothes, photography, doing stupid challenges with my mates and filming it- I love it all and so why should I miss out because I have been ashamed of the way I look when there is literally nothing I can do to change that right now. If this was to be the last year I have would I want to waste it doing none of the things I enjoy because I weigh more now. Fuck that.
So this is the start of a beautiful comeback! I have already filmed 4 videos for my youtube channel and I will be shooting some outfit posts to go up on here asap! As I said before, I will keep you all informed about my diagnosis as soon as I know more but for now, as much as I wanted to explain why I've been away for so long, the details are a little too personal and a little too uncertain right now to share with you all. I hope you can understand and I hope you are all as excited to see me on film and in photos as I am to be creating content again for you!
I want to end this reeeeeealllly long post (congrats if you made it this far) by saying please be kind. Be kind to your loved ones. Be kind to strangers. Be kind to those you come across online. You have literally no idea about the battles every individual is facing. Respect that and don't judge eachother. Stop yourself from making assumptions based on someones weight or looks. Stop yourself from being nasty to others. Just be kind and spread love. We all deserve it.
Peace, love & really long wordy posts about really serious topics #wheresthefashionat xxx